Someone please explain to me what I'm doing wrong with Caleb. I don't understand why the part of my life that made me happiest a month and a half ago is now such a mess, and I don't think I'm patient enough to wait five months to understand. Really, what am I supposed to do here?
Edit: I keep trying to think "this is harder for him," etc. The truth is, though, I would never do something like this to someone in a situation like mine. In the one time I did ask someone to stop contacting me, I waited until he was in a position to be well taken care of. Last night, when I was feeling my worst, my entire extended family was at a wedding. My friends at K were doing their homework for Monday. I was with friends, but not people who know me well. Alyssa is very sweet, but even she acknowledged that she didn't know me well enough to know what to do for me. Not to mention, the only chocolate ice cream in the city is downtown--I have no access at night.
I felt that I needed to get a few things straight with Caleb last night, so I texted him and said we needed to talk. Immediately his response was anger. I feel like that's how it's been since I left the States, and I don't know where that anger is coming from. In terms of last night, I can understand that he was angry that I went against his request. But he wouldn't answer any of my questions or respond to my concerns, so I was left even more confused and depressed than I started.
He's uncomfortable that I'm posting about him on my blog. I do understand that, but the purpose of this blog is to say what's on my mind so I don't have to repeat things to everyone I talk to. I keep things as impersonal as possible, and I try to only write about my thoughts and feelings. I'm not making any statements or assumptions about him as a person.
You're not doing anything wrong. I wish that I could come up with some magic words or something that would make it all better, but I'm at a loss. I hate hearing you so sad and desperate about this and being powerless to change/help the situation. I think you're grieving, as you've said, and the only way through it is through it. Sending many psychic hugs...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom
I think you're asking how to stop suffering about this. Your brain has habits acquired when you were spending time with him. Circumstances changed but your brain hasn't changed yet--hasn't adapted to the new circumstances. This is brain-science for "grief".
ReplyDeleteI have two suggestions:
1. Notice that this is the way it is now. Suffering is a matter of thinking / feeling that "it should be some other way". Notice the loud conversation that it should be some other way. Don't change that conversation (you can't)--just notice it. Noticing it will give you control over the conversation rather than the conversation controlling you.
2. Persistent conversations are patterns like any skill (such as your acrobatics). You can't unlearn a skill / pattern / conversation. However you can learn new skills. So practice a new conversation. Maybe it's being happy or gracious or patient or satisfied--pick some way of being that lights you up, and practice that way of being. Share that new way of being with the people around you to have it become a pattern faster--it will become (an unconscious) aspect of their conversation with you--which will ingrain it in your brain faster.
In short:
-Don't resist the conversation "it shouldn't be this way", but notice it coming up when it does.
-Create a new conversation, and practice it so it becomes a new habit gradually replacing the old conversation. Share it with people to have it become a habit much faster.
Tell me if this helps out!
Love, Dad.
I think you're supposed to wait. As much as it sucks, that seems to be the thing that has to happen. We all seem to end up going through extraordinary measures for people we love. Maybe waiting 5 months is your extraordinary challenge. Anyway, if it was me I'd have a fun and enriching time out of defiance. Its not fair that him being silent oceans away is coloring your time here. Don't let it.
ReplyDeletei think you should forget about caleb for awhile, take a nice long vacation in africa or something, have a good time. and live your life fully and happily.
ReplyDeleteten, twenty, thirty years from now, you may find yourself regretting how much of your time in Senegal you spend worrying about caleb.
this is the first time i've commented, but i'm reading regularly. love you!